Airports

I miss the days when you could go past the security checkpoint at the airport without a ticket.  So when you went to pick someone up you could meet them at their gate, and have that wonderful heart-felt reunion immediately after they get off the plane.

I've been pondering this lately, and trying to figure out what's so magical about airports.  They're a great place to people watch, yes, but it's got to be more than that.

Then a memory came to mind that could only have happened at the airport - my friend Kaphine and I were at the airport to pick up her partner.  (She was without wheels at the moment, so I was the designated driver).  I'd had a long day, it was late, I needed caffeine, so I stopped at the nearest Coffee People stand and ordered a gigantic Slamahamma.  The barista looked at me with shock, "Are you aware that's the caffeine equivalent to six cups of coffee?"  (Made with Black Tiger blend, which is twice the caffeine of normal coffee, and a huge is a three-shot extravaganza).  OF COURSE I knew -- I'd probably ordered at least 50 of this exact drink within the last year -- that's WHY I was ordering it.  But, if I were a random tourist who had never been to Portland before, had never had the joy of experiencing the beauty that is Coffee People, well, I wouldn't have known. 

So now I have this theory.  The airport distills down the essence of the city's shopping and dining culture.  At the Portland airport (the airport I know best) you've not only got Coffee People, but you've also got Powell's Books, Nike, Norm Thompson, and Made in Oregon.  However, it offers a watered-down version to prepare you for the real thing.  Coffee People is more wary of your drink choice, and there's not a used book to be found (and you don't need a map) to navigate Powell's.  It helps ease you into the culture of the city you're entering (or ease you out of the one you're leaving as the case may be.)

Now if I could only figure out where there seems to be a law that all airports must always be under construction.

An open letter to the drivers of the Puget Sound

You see those red octagon-shaped things sitting at many corners?  Those are called STOP SIGNS.  You are supposed to STOP at the sign.

And do you see the white line painted on the road in front of the stop sign?  That's the line that tells you where to stop.

To those of you in the Safeway parking lot across from my work - YOU have a red sign and a white line.  I do NOT have a sign and a line coming in from the entry I use.  That means YOU have to stop and I do not.  You must wait for me to pass through, and THEN if it is CLEAR you may go.  I'm a considerate person, and would be willing to stop and let you through, but between the traffic coming off the street and the back-up created by the poorly-placed gas station, loitering in that little stretch of pavement is not a desirable option.

And to those of you coming from the side streets onto the main drag - you must STOP at the LINE and THEN you may, if necessary, creep forward in order to see if it is clear for you to turn onto the street.  When you drive full-speed to the exact spot where the cross-streets intersect and then stopping on a dime you force me to defensively swerve around you.  Thank goodness there hasn't been oncoming traffic any of the multiple times I've been forced to do this in the last three days.  Sorry, but I've had one too many jerks cut in front of me and two too many jerks run red lights and crush my car to trust you to stop. 

These really aren't difficult rules to follow.  Get these right and I may even give you a little more leeway on the whole merge issue.

OK, rant over.

My name is Michelle Stevens and I approve of this blog.

Why do our presedential candidates feel the need to add a disclaimer stating their endorsement of the commercial to the end of their ads?  I've just spent 30 seconds - 1 minute listening to how cool you are and how good you'd be as president.  Is there a chance you WOULDN'T approve of that message?  Are you afraid I won't realize that the ad is trying to convince me you should be president?  Will I confuse it with an ad for the other guy?

If you really want to make your intentions known you should run that blurb at the end of advertisements for other products.  Who approved brand X of dishwashing detergent?  Who approves of the newest sitcom on TV?  I might actually start to pay attention to politics if they did that.

Game Show Hos

Ken Jennings is the ultimate Game Show Ho.

If you're culturally literate enough to be reading a blog you have, no doubt, heard of this guy who has been steamrolling the competition on Jeopardy for the last 3 years or some equally insane amount of time.  Alex Trebek must be the guys pimp, because the longer this farce goes on the more of a debacle it becomes.

Here is why KenJen must be stopped:

1.  If your a Jeopardy aficionado you know that being able to ring the buzzer at the appropriate time is an inherent challenge in the game.  It stands to reason that the longer you play the easier it will be for you to find the "sweet spot" on the buzzer.  Putting new contestants up against him now is akin to putting a t-ball player up against Miguel Tejada or Barry Bonds in a Home Run Derby.  Statistically it may be possible for the kid to win the game, but you and I both know that ain't happening.

2.  The guy is smug as all heck.  One night a fellow contestant answered the final question prior to Final Jeopardy correctly, which pushed him into the positive-money zone and allowed him to participate in the final round of the game.  At this point of the game KenJen had probably $20,000 to his credit, the second player had a few thousand, and this guy had a few hundred bucks.  Ken gave this guy a condescending round of applause, as if to say, "It's not good enough that I trample you into the dirt during the preliminary rounds, and there is no statistical possibility of your coming in anything but third place, but I'm happy that you get to stick around for a few more minutes, because then I can show America how smart I really am."

3.  There is more to life than the trivia answers presented to you on a nationally syndicated game show.   Apparently KenJen is a tee-totaler, and had his wife prepare flashcards in order to prepare for the "Potent Potables" category that frequently appears on the show.  I have this image that he goes back to his hotel room every night and tries to cram more trivia into his little brain.  At this point this guy's best friend should be the bartender at the hotel bar, and even if KenJen only indulges in Diet Cokes, the bartender should be the one teaching him about Sex on the Beach and Sloe Comfortable Screws Against the Wall.  GET A LIFE!  At least you can now participate in a drinking game in his honor.  Even if he won't drink, doesn't mean that I can't.

4.  The highest amount of money ever won on a single game of Jeopardy is $52,000.  KenJen has had multiple opportunities to break this record, but refuses to do so.  Is he trying to humble himself?  "I won a billion dollars on Jeopardy, and won 5,000 days straight, but I didn't win the most money in a single game."  Most likely it's his being smug again.  Now there's some other poor sucker out there who can still say, "I won the most money in a single day on Jeopardy, the same as that asshole KenJen."

The saddest part of it all is that we are all the willing or un-willing johns in his ever-present whoredom.  Tomorrow is our last hope for a loss this season, or we'll be stuck with KenJen fever all over again next fall.  

 

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming

The House of Swank home computer seems to be fully functional again.  I spent the other night re-downloading and re-installing my internet-related software.  I think I already had the most recent version installed, but the computer likes the new stuff better than it liked the old stuff, so we're not going to complain.

Technical Difficulties

The House of Swank home computer has been experiencing technical difficulties as of late.  Especially when I'm online.  It seems to sense when I have just written and edited a new blog entry, and freezes up immediately before I am able to post.
 
Therefore, no new posts until I can get that figured out. 

Game Show Hos: Prologue

A bit of "historical background" on my experience with Game Show Hos.
 
The summer of 2001 my sweetie and I were sharing a 600 square foot apartment (all of my stuff was in storage).  I was marginally employed at best, and he was a teacher with the summer off, and nerves were wearing thin to say the least.  So, we did what any self-respecting couple would do to ease the tension and watched a lot of Game Show Network. 
 
At some point we spontaneously started "playing along" with the $100,000 Pyramid.  It's a really easy game show to play along with if there are two of you.  The person giving the clues faces the television.  The person receiving the clues sits facing the other person, with their back to the TV.  Put the TV on mute and go to town!  It's even easier if you have ReplayTV, TiVo, or some other sort of DVR machine (which sweetie does).   Eventually, he purchased the home game so that we could bring others into our insanity.
 
Shortly after this compulsion entered our lives we were at TGIFriday's playing trivia and I noticed an ad for Pyramid with Donny Osmond that would be debuting in the fall.  When we got home that night we did a little snooping on the internet and, sure enough, they'd be coming to Seattle for auditions.  I enjoyed the game and needed cash, so HAD to try out.  Sweetie wasn't so sure he could take the time out of his schedule, but came along for the ride.  For the love of the game, as it were.
 
The way the audition works is this:

• You show up at the non descript hotel in suburban Seattle
• They take your photo and shuffle you into the hotel ballrom along with about 100 other people
• The 100 of you take a written test, which is a modified version of the "end game."  A TV monitor serves as "celebrity" to give you the clues, and you have to write down the category.
• While the staff "grades" the tests you sit around and chat with the fellow contestants.
• If you "pass" the test you are asked to stay to compete in mock games of the first round of play with the others that made the cut.
• Wait until they call you or forever, whichever comes first.

For what it's worth, both sweetie and I made it past the first cut to the 2nd round of 8-9 people, which is pretty impressive when you think about it.  Sweetie went on to appear on the show and win $11,000.

But that's not why I'm writing.

While we were waiting for admittance into the ballroom you could overhear snippets of some people's conversations - they had obviously tried out for gameshows before. 

While they were "grading" the tests it was just natural that you would engage in idle chit-chat with those around you.  There was a group of around 8-10 people around sweetie and I that ended up in a loose conversational circle.  I believe every single one of the people (with the exception of sweetie and myself) had tried out and/or participated in game shows in the past.  Not just once, but multiple times.  Like, as soon as the six months since their most recent apperance, when they became eligible, they'd hit the circuit.  And it became readily apparent that these were the pinnacle's of achievment in their life.  Did you know Vanna White is really nice in person and just as beautiful in sweats without makeup done as she is on the show?  These folks seemed intent to one-up each other on their experiences.  Hosts and co-hosts were long-lost friends, and they were the industry insiders.

After the experience my sweetie and I gave a nickname to this class of citizen -- "Game Show Ho."  Forever in search of their next opportunity to appear on a game show and perhaps get the opportunity to rub shoulders with Wink Martindale. 

As much fun as I had participating in that tryout.  As much as I might love to appear on Millionaire one day.  As cool as it was to watch sweetie on TV.  As cool as it was for him to win $11,000.  I find it hard to fathom how empty your life must be to become a Game Show Ho.

Ironically, not a single one of the hos made it past the initial round.  They're obviously not as good at turning tricks as they think they are. 

Whole (lotta') Foods

Organic shopping just got a WHOLE lot easier for me! YAY! One of the downsides of living in the 'burbs is that there is generally less call for natural foods type markets, even in the nature-happy pacific northwest. Previuosly I would trek across the lake to Whole Foods in Seattle once or twice a month, willing to make the trek because of their excellent meat and produce. The store has great product, but people are always crawling on top of each other because the store is just too darn small.

Well, you shall hear no more complaints from me on that front, because Whole Foods just opened a store smack-dab in the heart of suburbia, and what a store it is!!! I was there opening night (getting ready for a road-trip or you couldn't have forced me there). I had to park at the mini-mall up the street because there was no parking left, but while in the store there was actually ROOM to push my cart around and look at the product.

This is probably because the store is about the size of a small country. I have never seen a grocery store this large, it's amazing. There is a whole AISLE of nothing but different types of MILK products. The deli section is probably as large as the whole Seattle store. It really is heaven! Tonight I picked up some Tandoori chicken, saffron rice and naan from the "salad bar" in the deli. (The chicken and naan were good, the rice had been sitting too long).

If they would consider Diet Coke a natural-food-store worhty product I'd never have to shop anywhere else. New Seasons Market in Portland really has the right idea there. They've got all the natural food you want, plus you can buy Diet Coke and just enough consumer-culture necessity that you really don't need to shop anywhere else.

For now I'll stick with my new store, though. It could easily take me a year just to discover everything the salad bar has to offer.

Toothbrushing for Dummies

Last week I went to the dentist for the 6th time in 6 months. That may sound a bit excessive but I hadn't been for 10 years previously, so it's not that bad. Visit #1 was X-Rays and a plan of attack. Visits #2-5 were numbing up my mouth one quadrant at a time and cleaning and repairing everything inthat section (not really any new cavaties, they just wanted to replace the fillings and sealent I already had because technology has improved a lot in the last 10 years). Visit #6 was my first cleaning post-work.

It seems every time I go now they add a new must-have dental-hygeine product to the list, and at the rate I'm going I may need a special suitcase just for toothbrushes et al by the end of the year.

The first three visits I was immune from their product-pushing.
Visit #1: The dental assistant knew I was fearful of the amount of work that would have to be done to my teeth over the next few months, so that was not the time to push product.

Visit #2: The nastiest section of cleaning and repairing to be done, so they took mercy on me.

Visit #3: The hygenist almost had me in tears at one point. They were working on the upper right side that evening, and the novacaine made the entire right side of my face numb (including my eye and the tip of my nose). The hygenist got the cleaning done more rapidly than expected, and wanted to numb me up to start working on the lower left side of my face. When half of the tip of your nose is numb and you're going to have to drive home in 45 minutes the last thing you want them to do is numb you up even more. Boys always freak out when girls are near tears, so I think I threw him off his game that night.

But since visit #4 it's been something new every time:

Visit #4: Dental Floss. But not just any dental floss. It's this funky, thick floss that's actually like two strands of floss twisted together. I'm actually more likely to floss with this stuff than I am with the old-school stuff the dentist used to recommend. You can actually feel it get between your teeth and grab all the stuff that floss is supposed to be flossing.

Visit #5: Sonicare toothbrush. If you don't own one of these you need to go out and buy one today. You can by the "cheapest" model they have (around $80 when I bought mine on sale at Target, and I'm told they also sell them at Costco), but they really are worth every penny. There's a spot on the front of my bottom teeth that likes to collect tartar. You can watch it grow there. Some had accumulated before I went and bought a Sonicare. When I started using it, the tartar went away. As long as I use the Sonicare it stays gone. The lack of dental work on those two teeth alone will pay for the darn thing in my book.

Both of these recommendations I could get behind. Everyone needs to brush and floss, and these tools will help me do that better. But this last time it started to get ridiculous.

Visit #6: Tooth Space Poker. That's not the official name, but I don't know what you're supposed to call it. Apparently, I'm a mouth-breather and that causes tartar to grow on my teeth more quickly than if I were a nose-breather (who knew?). Therefore, I'm supposed to take this weird thing and use it to floss between my teeth in addition to the regular floss. Only, I don't do it for all my teeth, because if you do it on you front teeth it will create weird gaps in your teeth that will look funny, so I am just supposed to do it between my back teeth.

Thus far no one in my dentist's office has led me astray. They've even been nice enough to NOT lecture me about the fact that I need to go to the dentist more than once every 10 years. I THINK I'm going to trust them on this one, but now I'm really curious what they're going to tell me is an essential tool for dental health when I go to visit them in October. Stay tuned.

Wish List

If you'd like to buy me a gift for some special occasion and you're at a loss on what to buy me you should check this out. It contains all the games I played most compulsively in my youth. I wonder if Adventure still has the secret screens.

Oregon Coast 101

As of 11:00 am July 2, 2004 my sweetie had never been to the Oregon Coast before. We remedied that situation over two days of a five day roadtrip (the 2nd annual 4th of July Minor League Baseball roadtrip to be exact). Given the time constraints we were working around - baseball games in Washington on the 1st and a game in Eugene on the evening of the 3rd - it required careful consideration of what sites to see and what speed to move, and if I do say so myself it turned out PERFECTLY with one minor caveat. So, if you've got a limited amount of time to expolore the Oregon Coast, or simply want to see the highlights, might I suggest the following itinerary:

1. Climb the Astor Column in Astoria. If you can't handle the climb or the claustrophobic space, just stand at the bottom, but it really is an incredible view from the top. Also, the spectacular overview it gives you of the northern Oregon coastline will help inspire you for the day ahead.

2. Get a taste of history at either Fort Clastop or Fort Stevens. Fort Clatsop is where Lewis and Clark spent the winter after their trek to the Pacific before returning home. Fort Stevens was a defense installtion from the Civil War through WWII. We chose Ft. Clatsop because it is the bicentennial of Lewis and Clark this year and seemed somehow fitting, but I've been to Ft. Stevens before and it is also worthy of your time. If you DO go to Ft. Clatsop during the bicentennial ignore all the information on the website about taking the shuttles to the park -- they're inconvenient, and with underuse make it a waste of fossil fuels, rather than helping out the environment.

3. For the kid in you, stop in Seaside. Walk down Broadway to the beach, then walk up to the arcade where you can play Skee Ball and Fascination for cool prizes. My sweetie won me a Princess lanyard at Skee Ball, and I won a John Deere Spoon Rest playing Fascination.

4. To recover from the carnival feeling of Seaside, drive South to Cannon Beach and take a stroll out to the beach to sink your toes in the sand and look at Haystack Rock. This is the yin to Seaside's yang.

5. Dinner at Mo's in Lincoln City on Siletz Bay. Mo's is an Oregon Coast institution and you really must sample their chowder. Don't be discouraged if there's a line outside -- it moves fast, and you'll spend a good chunk of time wandering through the "gift shop" of gifts you don't want to buy, but are amusing to play with while standing in line. If you're a beer drinker, definitely order a pint of Mo Ale to go with your chowder. It's a yummy beer in its own right, and perfectly compliments the seafood.

6. If it's still light out and high tide, stop south of Depot Bay at Devil's Punchbowl for a spectacular sight. If it's dark or foggy you can easily double-back from Newport the next morning. However, BE SURE TO CHECK THE TIDE TABLES, because if you come at low tide it is a completely underwhelming site.

6. Spend the night in Newport at the Sylvia Beach Hotel. We stayed in the Hemmingway room, which was quite lovely, but you can pick whatever author you like. Whatever room you stay in, a visit to the attic library is a must. The hotel has the same ownership as Rimsky Korsakoffee House in Portland. Anoter must-visit locale, but on a different journey.

7. Spend some time the next morning spend some time along the historic bayfront. It offers everything a coastal town can offer in one small area. While down here make sure you check out Wyland's Whaling Wall, visit with the Sea Lions lying out on the piers, and buy salt water taffy from the candy store on the west end of the bay that features a rowboat full of taffy inside (I can't remember the name, but look inside and you'll know what I mean).

8. If it's a holiday weekend, there's a decent chance the Rogue Brewery will be holding a Garage Sale. If they are, it's well worth a stop to pick up some reasonably-priced super-yummy beer. Simply follow the signs to the Oregon Coast Aquarium.

9. Take a stop at the Heceta Head Lighthouse. It's a bit of a hike from the parking lot to the lighthouse, but it's a gorgeous view. The tour of the lighthouse is free (donations accepted) and very interesting.

10. Last, but not least, pay a trip to the Oregon Dunes just south of Florence. (We also stopped for more chowder at Mo's in Florence, but some people may consider that overdoing it.)

Don't forget to pack your sunscreen!