Confounded Aliens

I'm not complaining, but I'm really not certain how these aliens motivations and energies work.

The last couple of weeks have been rather bleh in the workout world. Two weeks ago I just didn't quite make it to the gym as many times as I wanted. And last Thursday with the trainer kicked my ass. I put it together as a cause and effect type relationship.

This last week was the week that kicked my ass. I made it into the gym Saturday, but then between Easter and work just killing me I wasn't going. Yesterday I forced myself to go. I should have done a lower body/shoulder workout, but just went to the machines instead. My stamina was crap, but in terms of ability I was actually rocking it pretty hard. Amazing.

So tonight was to be my time to pay the piper. Not only did I have a meeting with the trainer, but it was an upper arm week which usually means supreme torture. (I have the wussiest upper body on the planet).

Here are how my workouts with the trainer usually play out: He suggests I use a 5 pound weight and I insist I can only do a 3. He requests I do 12 reps, but at 10 I can't do any more. I'm pouring buckets of sweat by the end of the night.

So we start with exercise #1. I've done this one before with a 5 pound weight. He suggests we go for 8. I agree and it's not a problem. I'm feeling it, but it's not killing me.

When we make it around to the first ab exercise we do the bridge, which is always the first ab exercise. Support yourself on your upper arms and your tip toes. Hold your body perfectly straight. As long as you can. The first time we ever did it I could do it about 5 seconds. I've been making progress, and last week I was doing it about 13 seconds at best. Today set #1 I was nailing it. The trainer told me to relax at one point, and I thought he meant my shoulders were too tense, so I tried to loosen them up. He meant I could stop doing it. I'd done it for 20 seconds at that point. I did it 23, 28 and 26 seconds this time.

PROGRESS IS BEING MADE!!!

In the past the ab exercises were do as many reps as you can in a set until you're going to die. Tonight I was able to do 3 sets of 12 for virtually every exercise.

On one exercise this evening the trainer started me out at 15 pounds on the machine. For the second rep I had him up it to 20. For the third set we pushed it to 25. When the trainer, who usually is yelling at you to push through the pain and complete the reps, is looking at you like you're insane for wanting to do that much weight. That's progress.

Which, on the one hand is astounding because I'm really making it to the next level. The other hand is, if this is how well I'm doing after being a lazy ass for a week then where's my impetus to do it daily.

But I think tonight was good. I'm inspired now. I'll get all my workouts in this week, I can feel it. And the following week Sweetie will be out of town, so I intend to become a downright gym rat. He won't recognize me when he gets home.

The Amazing Race 7: Episode 5 Epilogue

I would like to publicly offer an apology to Ray, Deana, Ray's anonymous friend who posted a comment to this blog and any other Ray and Deana fans out there in the world.

The morning after each week's episode of The Amazing Race the newly eliminated contestants appear on The Early Show. And the host always lets the contestants have it and calls them on all their bad behavior.

Ray apologized to Meredith and Gretchen for a rather harsh comment he made on last night's episode. He thought he was being funny.

And when the host called him on his dick-like behavior to Deana throughout the race. Deana defended Ray. Ray fessed up to the fact that if he had not provided the dick-like activities they would not have been able to portray him in that way. He also had obviously reflected on why he acted in this way, and attributed it to a football player mentality.

He admitted to his behaviour. He took accountability. I'm still glad he didn't win, but he did gain some esteem in my eyes this evening.

For the record: I don't think there is a single thing Rob can say in his post-elimination interview that will redeem him in my eyes.

Riff Raff the Cat

So you know that shot in the Rocky Horror Picture Show - when Brad and Janet are approaching the castle and they've got that shot of Riff Raff standing in an upstairs window all backlit and creepy looking?

I went out to get the mail a few minutes ago and as I was walking back to the condo I looked up to the window of the den and the cat was sitting there and looked strikingly like Riff Raff did in that shot. As much as a grey cat can look like Riff Raff at least.

If you were ever in doubt that Samson was a psycho kitty I think this is indisputable proof.

The Amazing Race 7: Episode 5

Tonight was a pretty crazy two-episodes in one sitting that had a LOT happen. So I think the best way to recap is to pay a brief visit to each of our teams (in the order they arrived at the second pit stop):

Ron and Kelly: Yep, my team is in first place. They're holding it together just like I thought they would. Their most compelling moment was in the scenes from next week's show - it looks like there will finally be tension between the two.

Rob and Amber: It amazes me that while in Soweto, South Africa, strangers are walking up to them offering them assistance because they recognize the two from Survivor. At least the bushmen didn't break out with a "BOSTON ROB!" Have I mentioned lately how much I hate these two? Particularly Rob, but Amber chose to marry Rob, so that loses her major points. At one point Lynn and Alex had a mini-van cab and wouldn't allow Rob and Amber to share the ride. To hear Rob talk about it a major sin was committed in that moment. I think he was just upset because if he was in the van he would have done the same thing, but he would have found it necessary to slip the driver of the cab $20 in the process. But the lowest of the low moments tonight was when the brothers had rolled a car and their cameraman was injured - Rob and Amber couldn't even be bothered to slow down and ask if everyone is OK. It may be a race, but you've got to have your priorities straight. Oh wait, I forgot who I was talking about for a moment.

Uchenna and Joyce: For the first time perhaps ever I believe that a team that has gone on The Amazing Race to test and/or strengthen their relationship has actually succeeded in that goal. Given the challenges they were facing at home (layoffs from Worldcom and Enron and fertility issues) I think going to these remote places on the globe help put that all in perspective this evening. Tonight The Amazing Race did a really kick-ass thing in one of the challenges. First challenge: go into a market in Soweto and purchase a list of items. Second challenge: Deliver the items to a local children's home. It's really freaking cool that the teams did a little bit of charity along the route. And the amazing part of it all: These privileged Americans are delivering diapers and t-shirts to a South African orphanage and the kids are cheering the contestants along. Uchenna and Joyce had a breakthrough at the orphanage - I think it dawned on them that rather than spending thousands upon thousands of dollars on infertility treatments they could go out and adopt a kid. Traditionally these two have had MAJOR navigational issues, but today they made a right turn at a key moment that SERIOUSLY helped them out. I'm curious if it was just a fluke or if it's just taken them this long to get their act together.

Lynn and Alex: These guys most definitely earn the style points for the night. Reason #1: At one point Lynn made the comment, "This may be a race, but half of the prize is the experience of it all." Yeah, he gets it. Reason #2: So you know how Rob and Amber didn't even slow down to check if everyone was OK when they drove past the car wreck? Well, Lynn and Alex (who were in spot #3 at the time) stopped the car to see if they could help. The brothers tried to send them on their way urging "Don't lose the race on account of us" but they still hung out for a while to make sure everything was under control. So much for being sacrificial lambs.

Meredith and Gretchen: This was the team that came in last on the non-elimination half of the episode this evening. The past couple of seasons teams have had to give up their money on the non-elimination legs, but this season they have to give up EVERYTHING except the clothes on their backs and their passports. I'm curious if, on future legs, a team is OBVIOUSLY in last place and it MAY be a non-elimination leg they stop immediately before crossing the finish line and put all their clothes on before stepping on the mat, so they aren't left with nothing. Yeah, I like to stretch the rules as far as they go. The race is wearing on this team, I predict they won't be around too much longer.

Brian and Greg: These guys have grown on me, so I'm glad they weren't eliminated tonight. They are providing the humor I was expecting from the southern boys that were eliminated in the first episode. On reading the clue taking them out of the mid-episode pit stop one of them said their challenge was to go home to Mom's and chow down on some good home cooking. They're having fun. So it really, really, really sucks that they rolled their truck in the middle of the African bush when they were sitting pretty in second place. You could tell it shook them up hard. I liked the fact that when they (eventually) got moving again - sitting well in last place - they said a little prayer for the injured camera man. I'm very glad that it came down to a foot race at the end and that they were able to outrun the eliminated.

Ray and Deana: I'm glad they were eliminated, because now there's only one team I hate left in the race. And they deserved to be eliminated because Ray is a dick. At least Deana is willing to stand up to him when he's being a jerk. Even after they were eliminated, when questioning the future of their relationship, he was still kind of being a jerk.

And there you have it. Now all we need is for Rob and Amber to be eliminated, and then I won't be disappointed with whoever wins the race.

Pledge Drive

It's Spring pledge drive week on KUOW, the local NPR affiliate. I really need to make a pledge, as it's been too long since I've paid my dues to the radio station I listen to most in my car, and my primary news source.

But how much to pledge?

As part of the wacky banter to encourage listeners to pledge the hosts this afternoon were offering up ways you might figure out what an appropriate pledge is for you. One of the suggestions they offered was to think of how many times you've mentioned a story you've heard on NPR at a cocktail party, or in a lull in the conversation, or a similar scenario. My memory isn't that good, but I do know that several blog posts over the last year have been inspired by things heard on NPR.

So here's how we're playing the game: Between now and Thursday evening I urge everyone who reads this blog to make a comment on a post inspired by NPR (listed below) or make a comment to this post. I will determine my pledge based on the quality and quantity of comments posted. And if you can't think of something to say on one of the posts below, you can simply make a plea for which thank you gift I should request with my pledge.

Blog posts inspired by NPR:

Whatever Happened to Punk?
Guess Who
An Observation
2004
It's the Economy, Stupid
I Hate Eyman
Will the Correct Pronunciation Please Step Forward?

Whatever Happened to Punk?

This morning I was listening to This American Life while running errands around town and they did a story about the lawsuit filed against the Dead Kennedys in the 1980's.

In 1985 the DK's released an album called "Frankenchrist" which included an HR Giger poster called "Penis Landscape" in every copy of the album. The mother of a 14 year old who bought the album sued on obscenity charges. The prosecutor saw the poster, but never bothered to listen to the album. He got slaughtered, because when you put the poster together with the commentary of the DK's it's not so obscene anymore. The jury was hung, the case dismissed, and life went on for all. Oh yeah, and this was in the midst of Tipper Gore and th PMRC cracking down on evil rock music.

Once upon a time punk rock was more about the attitude and the commentary than it was necessarily about that particular SOUND. It was about doing something different, making a statement, standing up for change. Listen to the songs of the Dead Kennedys, Black Flag, the Sex Pistols, DOA... these punks had things to SAY, and the intensity of the music was as much a manifestation of their anger as anything else. (Or maybe not, but that's how I always saw it).

In the midst of Regan-era politics and culture wars this music helped fuel me and others like me. It helped me get through all my teen angst bullshit, and it made me realize the benefit of a vocal minority, and that there were others out there like me. And when you really get into the lives of these guys you start to realize that they aren't so different from you and me. Henry Rollins was bored to tears by school. Nancy Spungen (the love of Sid Vicious' life) was most likely an undiagnosed schizophrenic. And Sid was so in need of love he let her use and abuse him. Why, it's amazing that I didn't become a punk rock queen myself.

Now I may just be giving away my status as a thirtysomething here, but what happened to the commentary of the music? What I see called "punk rock" today is more about the hair and the black and the intense rhythyms than it is about the message.

Not into the punk thing? OK, well once upon a time Public Enemy was telling us to "Fight the Power," and now we've got Outkast telling us to "shake it like a polaroid picture."

And there's something deep inside me that wants to believe that if the musicians of today could just find that voice, could be compelled to speak out against W and the war and all the other stuff going on in the world today it would offer a counterbalance that this country definitely needs right now.

My hope is the music is probably out there, but I'm too tied into my old music and the adult contemporary station on the radio that I'm not keying into it. Someone, please, give me hope. In the meantime, I think it's time to go CD shopping.

Today on Slate

Just click the link. It's self-explanatory.

Guess Who

There is a movie coming out this weekend called "Guess Who." Ashton Kutcher is a white guy meeting his black girlfriend's family, her dad is played by Bernie Mac.

Sweetie and I saw a preview of the movie recently. With the outrageous and intimidating father and all the wacky hijinks that ensue my immediate response was, "Oh, it's a remake of 'Meet the Parents" and five other movies that have come out on the same darn topic in recent years.

But tonight I'm listening to NPR and apparently this is a remake of "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner." Sweetie realized the connection when we saw the preview, based on the title. I totally didn't get it until NPR told me directly to my face.

I think it's because there must be a rule out there that you're not allowed to think about Sidney Poitier and wacky hijinks in the same thought. And when I think wacky hijinks and Spencer Tracy I totally think "Father of the Bride" (who, although not as wacky as Steve Martin was in the remake still had the wackiness factor going, and I still love this movie to pieces).

So there you have it. I'm still probably never going to see "Guess Who." And since I've seen BOTH "Meet the Parents" AND "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner" I don't think it's going to be a big loss.

Muppet Porn

So tonight I'm at Whole Foods picking up rations for dinner and as I'm walking out of the store I see these beautiful boquets of gerbera daisies mixed with some half green/half flower things that made for a very striking arrangement. I glance at the tag, contemplating perhaps purchasing something bright and colorful because my day could use some bright and colorful, and I swear to god the tag reads:

"Kermit Green Porn"

On second glance I realize it says "Kermit Green Pom," referring to the other item in the arrangement. So then I'm analzying myself, wondering what sick and twisted thing is going on that would make my mind go THERE.

Then I remember there's a track on one of my favorite CD's that also deals with the subject of muppet porn.

So now I'm wondering what's going on in my life that would lead me this way. I mean, I've always liked the Muppets, but not in THAT way.

For Women's Eyes Only

Guys, why are you still reading? Really, you don't want to hang out here. Look, I've got lots of posts about sports. Trust me, you'd rather be there than here.

OK, ladies, I must vent because I just got over the worst case of PMS EVER! It just drug on FOREVER!

Normally when that time of the month rolls around I've got three days of torture.
Day 1: Insomnia extreme. Probably not going to sleep until 2 am.
Day 2: Sleepy and blah, given that I only got a few hours of sleep last night.
Day 3: Lump on the couch. Eating bad food. Cramps are optional.

And then it's over, with a burst of energy to boot.

This month the individual symptoms weren't near the worst symptoms I've ever experienced, but man they just drug on and on and on and on and on.

A week ago I had that night of insomnia. Which has put me in the sleepy and blah mood ever since. Tuesday was my lump on the couch eat bad food day. Wednesday was my lump on the couch eat bad food day (although I did force myself to go to the gym). Today started off as my eat bad food day. And then there was relief. Thank goodness, with a training session tonight.

OK, bitch-fest over.

Take Me Out to the Ballgame

Well, I submitted my keepers for my fantasy baseball league today, and I'm happy to say there's not a Brave among them.

So, without further ado here are the first seven members of the 2005 House of Swank:

Michael Young, Shortstop

Todd Helton, First Baseman

Octavio Dotel, Relief Pitcher. In addition to not being a Brave you can refer to him as "O, Do Tell" which is fun.

And four players who have been on the team since it's inception in 2002. Juan Pierre was off the team for half a season, and it's the worst half season we've ever had:

Juan Pierre, Outfield. The first player for the House of Swank, and the only current player in the major leagues that I saw play while in the minors and actually remember. Which is especially cool because although I enjoyed baseball back in the day, I was not near the fan then that I am now.

Curt Schilling, Starting Pitcher. The second player for the House of Swank. He may use steroids and have a bum ankle, but he can still pitch. He also ensures I maintain the "geezer" factor, which always seems to be a necessity on my teams. (Last season he was complemented with Jamie Moyer and Benito Santiago.)

Roy Halladay, Starting Pitcher.

Jimmy Rollins, Shortstop. The last couple of seasons I've dropped him off the team then picked him up again in the draft. Which means that this season I won't get to hear the joke when I draft him of, "Oh, I loved his work in Black Flag." Speaking of which, I think I'm going to name Henry Rollins manager of my team. He will bring the proper attitude to the House of Swank locker room.

The team will be filled out on Sunday, April 3. The burning question that you'll have to ponder until then is whether or not Desi Relaford will make it back onto the squad.

The Amazing Race 7: Episode 4

2007. It must be sad to know that's the latest you'll see life on this planet. That must be why Ray is such a dick all the time. Because if I knew at the best I only had 2 years left to live I'd be pretty annoyed all the time and I might take it out on those around me. You think this is a preposterous assumption I'm making? Well, Ray made a comment this evening that Meredith and Gretchen, the token old people of the race, are "a couple of decades past where they need to be." Yes, that is a quote from the show. Thanks to TiVo I double-checked.

So let's follow the logic: They're a couple of decades past where they need to be. Gretchen is 66, so that would mean 46 is really as far as you need to make it in life. (Man, that sucks!) Ray is 44, so he's got two years left. Yeah, I know I've joked about the token old people from season #1, but as a participant of the race there's no reason to be an ageist.

When I made my predictions before the season a friend of Ray's posted a comment to my blog commenting that Ray was not cocky, that he was one of the nicest guy's he knew. So, apparentlyh, Ray is not only an ageist bastard, he's got stupid friends as well. Sorry anonymous poster, whoever you were, but you can only edit material that is there, and Ray is turning out to be a bit of a dick.

Thankfully, with the whiny son gone, there are only two teams I despise left in the race. Even the sacrificial lamb gay boys have grown on me. This is a welcome respite from last season where by the end of the race I pretty much hated everyone.

In all, it was a rather blah episode, with the greatest thrills coming in the scenes from next week's show. They leave South America (FINALLY!) for what appears to be Africa, Gretchen gets a head wound and Brian and Greg are going to roll a car. I'm thinking the special 2 hour episode is just to deal with the chaos involved with those two events, but only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong.

Contract Bitch

As I surf my way through the blogosphere I am encouraged by the number of people who are reacting to the Shiavo case by creating a living will (or similar documentation) to help ensure their wishes are met when they can no longer voice their opinion.

However, I have this feeling that a lot of people are filling out this piece of paper and filing it away somewhere, thinking that covers them.

Let me make this perfectly clear: I am not a lawyer. I do not play one on TV. I have taken the LSATs, I have worked for a law school, I have had many people tell me I should pursue the law, but I have no formal legal education (unless you count the Saturday I spent at U of O with other folks they were trying to recruit to attend law school). I am not offering legal advice, I am offering my opinion.

However, from past experience I know how volatile contracts can be. I've had a position in the past where I helped draft contracts as part of my position. I earned the nickname "contract bitch" because my salesmen would come to me with information like "we'll give them a bunch of good stuff" and I'd make them quantify it for me. Salesmen don't like having to quantify benefits. In that position I was amazed by some of the negotiations. Lawyers on both sides getting involved over a single one syllable word.

Contracts are open to interpretation. Legal wills, powers of attorney, whatever document it is you have prepared is, essentially, a type of contract. And it could be open to interpretation. So you'd best hope those who are interpreting it for you are interpreting it to your liking.

These are the situations where I am thankful that I come from such a bizarre family. I have a half-brother who is 20 years older than me (so, basically old enough to be my father) who I have always known about. However, according to legal records I also have a half-sister. It is biologically impossible for her to be my father's daughter (since my dad was in the military at the time and nowhere near where the mother was), but because my father was married to the mother at the time it is his name on the birth certificate. I wouldn't know this were it not for the fact that when my parents re-wrote their will when I was in high school they mentioned it to us. They have specifically written her out of the will because otherwise she could, theoretically, come out of the woodwork and try to claim a piece of my dad's estate. My parents brought this bit of my dad's past up so we wouldn't go read the will someday and wonder what the hell was going on when he's mentioning this woman we've never heard of before.

It's the discussions that are important. Making sure your family and loved ones know what you've got in terms of documents, what you intend, what skeletons might be in the closet to contend with you don't know about.

My parents and I have discussed their will and what it contains. I've actually made requests of them to guarantee that there are no doubts as to their intentions. I'm glad they have the paper, but I'm even more thankful we've had these talks. Because a piece of paper is not enough.

So go fill out the papers. Absolutely get those legal protections in place. But don't think that prevents you from having to have "the talk" with your loved ones. Really, its easier than those uncomfortable talks you had with Mom when you were no longer a girl but now have become a woman (or whatever the male equivalent talk is).

Now onto happier things.

The Cheapies

Given that I doubt that Round 2 of the Women's NCAA tournament will ever make it onto Cheap Seats, tonight I will be playing the part of the Sklar brothers and giving out some Cheapies of my own:

Worst Spelling Error by a Cheerleader: Kansas State. Returning from halftime the Kansas State cheerleaders were running around with their "KSU" banners. Except while running around the court they somehow got out of order and ended up exiting the arena spelling out "S" "U" "K"

Worst Fitting Cheerleader Outfits: Vanderbilt. The skirts weren't fit right and the briefs were too small, which meant exposed asscheeks out of the bottom of every single skirt.

Most Unfortunate Color Match-Up: Baylor vs. Oregon. Green and gold vs, well, green and gold.

Worst Mascot: Kansas State. I thought Baylor had this one locked up with their bear that was in such a poorly fitting costume you could see the human's neck where the mascot head didn't quite meet the mascot body. But Kansas State had a guy in a basketball uniform wearing a giant Cat head on top of his real head.

Best Dressed Fan: Baylor. There was a female fan who was at least 75 years old who had died her hair green for the occasion.

Most Kick Ass Move by a Ref: Lisa Mattingly. She kept chewing gum and a whistle in her mouth simultaneously while running up and down a basketball court.

Worst Dance Team Outfits: Kansas State. Purple sequins. EVERYWHERE.

Highest Coach to Player Ratio: Vanderbilt. I counted nine players and seven coaches.

Worst Fan Participation Cheer: Baylor. Imagine the tomahawk chop, but with a your hand in a bear claw pose. Then slow it down about a million times. A ROCK could get away from this bear!

This is where my mind wanders when I'm watching a sporting event for which I have no rooting interest. Kansas State also had the worst pep band song of the night (School's Out For Summer?) while Vanderbilt had the best (Our House. Oregon TOTALLY needs to add that to their repertoire).

Moral Dilemma

I am facing a moral dilemma of outstanding proportions right now because my Fantasy baseball draft is in less than two weeks, and my "keeper list" is due in less than one week, and it's just tearing me up inside.

The House of Swank (the baseball team, not the brewery, I've got a whole empire here) has always had a strict anti-Braves policy. I HATE the Atlanta Braves. I HATE Ted Turner. And it would be very difficult for me to activate a player when I HATE so much of what he is about.

It's not been a problem the past three seasons - I just haven't picked any Braves for my team. Maybe I got a slightly worse player as a result of that decision, but life goes on.

In the fantasy league I play in we are allowed 7 "keepers" - where we get to keep players from the previous season and carry them over to this year. Three pitchers, three hitters, and one free choice. Ideally you keep a mix, some starters and relievers. Some infielders and outfielders. There are some no-brainers: Curt Schilling stays. Juan Pierre stays. Desi Relaford, as much as I love him, goes and I pick him back up in the draft (but maybe not this year. And Sweetie just had a heart attack reading that comment because I LOVE Desi Relaford!).

So what do you do when your star reliever gets traded to the Braves in the off-season? I had crappy relievers last season. I think everyone I had at the beginning of the season got switched to short middle relief because they sucked so bad. I did better the second half of the season, but that was primarily by picking up starters who qualified as relievers in my league.

It's all Byung-Hyun Kim's fault. He was my star reliever my first season in the league. But then someone, somewhere decided he should be a starting pitcher. I unloaded him before the season started, but haven't had that kind of relief since then.

If anyone out there has major league baseball ties, I'd appreciate it if you could arrange to have Mr. Kolb traded out of Atlanta in the next week. Otherwise, I'm looking for trades in my fantasy league. If neither of those things happen it's going to be a tough decision to make.

Go Ducks!

For all you voyuers out there, Sweetie and I will be making our television debut as a couple tomorrow night. Somehow we scored Section 1, Row 1 seats to Round 2 of the Women's NCAA tournament at the UW. By somehow I mean we went to the box office and purchased them, but given that we purchased them at about 7:00 Saturday night we did not expect to get that good of seats.

We'll be sitting behind the press box to watch Oregon take on Baylor and Vanderbilt against Kansas State. I'll be rooting for the Ducks. But don't tune in too early, because I may not make it to the game until halftime.

Not sure who I'm going to root for in the 2nd game. The closest tie I have to either team is that a friend almost went to Vanderbilt. And since it's a 5 seed vs. a 4 seed there isn't even really an underdog. Maybe I'll pick the team with the best mascot. Maybe I'll root against both of them. Maybe I'll just continue rooting for the Ducks through the 2nd game. But whatever it is I do, I'll be doing it all on national tv for all to see.

Let Me Make My Intentions Perfectly Clear

When I was 20 my parents re-wrote their will due to circumstances we need not go into here. They made me the executor at that time, and while they were at it they gave me secondary health care power of attorney. That means if Dad gets put on life support Mom gets first choice on whether or not to pull the plug, but I'm next in line. In other words, if something happens to both of them it's all in my hands. I had to sign a notarized document to make it happen. Let me tell you, signing a document that gives you the power to pull the plug on your parents before you can legally go drink the alcohol necessary to numb your mind after an experience like that is a mind trip indeed.

The upside of all this drama was that it forced my parents and I to have discussions as to what our wishes really were when it came to terminal illness as well as the great beyond. That's a tough conversation to have with the people who raised you, but an important one to have. It's also not a one-way conversation, so they couldn't convey their wishes to me without me also conveying my wishes to them. Therefore, I believe we're all on the same page here.

However, my Dad and I both have the habit of doing things just to piss the other one off. That's what happen when you've cross a right-wing Dad with a left-wing Daddy's girl. So I wouldn't put it past him someday to make decisions in this regard just to piss me off. (And if you don't realize that's a joke then you've got some serious problems indeed).

Seriously, I don't think I'll ever run into a scenario where there's a dispute that arises, but just in case there is, I want to make my views known now, so Congress doesn't get the final vote:

• What Sweetie says goes. He knows me better than anyone, so this is a dictatorship and he be the dictator.
• If you are family, friend or loved one who disagrees: Do not take it to court. Say to yourself, "I know Swankette and her Sweetie. They are not going to be making these decisions lightly. It may not be the decision I made, but I support them in the decision they made." Then get on with your life. I've done it for all of you, so you can do it for me, too.
• If strangers start to get involved and stage protests of any vareity I implore anyone who ever gave a shit about me to do mean and nasty things to the protestors. I won't tell you exactly what those mean and nasty things should be because I think you'll come up with better ideas in the emotion of the moment than I could come up with right now.
• If Congress tries to get involved harass the hell out of them. And if you can come up with any other ways to impart to them how ludicrous it is for the legislative arm of the government to be making these decisions on my life by all means do so.

I'm not sure what aspect of the goings-on in Florida disturbs me the most, but I think everyone that isn't her husband that thinks they get a say in the matter should just grow up and get on with their lives.

Things You Will Never See On My Car

I have always had a thing against the, "My kid is an honor student at local elementary school" bumper stickers. Because what happens if next term your kid isn't an honor student anymore? Do you have to take the sticker off the car?

Today I saw a bumper sticker that lowered it to a whole new level: "My kid got a superstar award in Mrs. J's class at local middle school." Does Mrs. J really want her name for display on your mini-van?

And now I dread it won't be long before we see, "My kid got an A on his algebra test last week."

Bitch = Pizza

Don't tell my co-workers this, because I need to keep the mystery alive there (and they probably wouldn't believe you), but today was one of those days that affirmed that I am in the right profession.

1) Most employers try to dissuade you from being a bitch. Mine occasionally encourages it. Today my bitchiness earned the whole office pizza for lunch from a vendor we work with who knew he needed to smooth things over with us because I reached ultra-bitch status today. (Justifiably so, I might add)

2) The job epitomizes work hard, play hard. Which I've discussed before in a different incarnation. But how cool is this: I leave for work this morning knowing I'm going to be buried under crap all day. I'm buried so deep under the crap that I don't bother to take a lunch - what, with the pizza being brought to me and all. I'm going a million miles an hour all day long. But then 40 minutes before it's time to call it a day I'm DONE! Nothing more to do for the time being. There will be more tomorrow. In fact it will be another buried in crap sort of day, but for that 40 minutes tonight I was just DONE! And that's a moment when you truly feel you've accomplished something that day.

The Amazing Race 7: Episode 3

Well, I'll say this for my Sweetie, he may not be as good at picking who is going to finish better on the Amazing Race (of the four seasons we've picked I've done better than him 3 seasons), but he definitely picks teams with a special style of dysfunction. This week the teams had to drive from Santiago, Chile, to a location in the middle of the Andes in the middle of the continent. Here's a map for reference. Sweetie's team drove for 2 hours a) without crossing mountains and b) toward the ocean, and that was the death of them.

Although they almost made it out because it turns out that Bianca has what has become a necessary trait for at least one team member to have on the Amazing Race and that is a stomach of steel. The past three seasons eating challenges have involved teams eating an INHUMAN amount of some local food. A couple of seasons ago it was something like a POUND of caviar. Tonight it was FOUR POUNDS of cow. And not just a nice prime rib, but kidney, intestines and brain. This challenge was so over the top that three teams - that's 1/3 of the field for those keeping score at home - quit the challenge to be assessed a 4+ hour penalty rather than having to eat it all. I believe that is unprecedented in Amazing Race history. Last season a couple of teams quit a challenge late in the game because the last shuttle of the day was about to leave. Beyond that I don't believe a team has ever QUIT a task before, with the exception of the brothers a couple of seasons ago who knew they were in last place and one was exacerbating a knee injury with the task at hand.

It may not have been three teams quitting were it not for the slimeball - aka Rob, Mr. Survivor. Strategically he is doing things to help get himself ahead in the game - stealing cabs, convincing other teams to take a penalty after his penalty already started, bribing locals to be at his beck and call - but I have to believe that this karma is going to come back to get him later on in the game. Actually, it started tonight. The gay guys were a smidge behind Rob and Amber on a physical challenge and the opportunity to kick Rob's ass gave the gay boys the added push necessary to pull ahead. Had it been any other team sitting in spot #1 I don't know that the boys would have had it. Kudos to the sacrificial lambs for actually winning a leg of the race.

But the real kudos tonight go to the editors of the show. There were a couple of BRILLIANT cuts. Granted, they had to have the material available, but they nailed it. Once Debbie and Bianca realized that they were at least 2 hours off course one of them commented that the only thing that might save them now is if another team got a flat tire. BAM! Brian and Greg get a flat on the mountain bikes they're navigating through a detour. The gay boys speculate that the only way they can come in first on this leg of the race is if Uchenna and Joyce get lost. BAM! Uchenna and Joyce get lost.

This season of the Amazing Race has spent more time in South America than I believe all past seasons of the Amazing Race put together, so I'm predicting that they're going to be hightailing it to some other far away land next week. Stay tuned and see if I'm right.

8 Issues or Fewer

I learned how to go grocery shopping from my mother, at the Safeway that was located 2 miles from our home. It was an easy routine. You start in the produce section, working your way up and down the aisles, around the store. Then at the end, at the last instant possible, you would forage into the frozen food aisles so that your purchases would not melt between the store and home.

Occasionally I would assist my grandmother in doing her shopping at the same time. Once I had my driver's license I would be responsible for taking Grandma to the store when Mom and Dad were out of town. Shopping with Grandma was always a test of patience and will. It was only partly due to the fact that it would take the woman over an hour to buy a week's worth of groceries for one person. It was only partly due to the fact that she would spend $75 a week for a cart HEAPING full of food, and somehow manage to eat it all herself. It was mainly due to the fact that she shopped her way down her list. We would start out in the produce section, leading you to believe that you would follow the normal world order, but once you left the friendly world of fruits and vegetables you would zig and zag your way throughout the store, gathering items in whatever order they showed up on the list that week. Prune juice, bread, canned vegetatbles, we were all over the place.

The habits were reinforced in my first apartment in colllege. Cub Foods, which is where any self-respecting college student shops because the prices are so damn low, funnels you into the produce section, daring you to start your shopping somewhere else.

And thus I've been gathering my groceries without a second thought for over a decade. Until tonight. Tonight I found myself in a local grocery store that I have frequented several times in the last 3 years. More often to grab one quick thing for dinner than to do significant grocery shopping. Tonight I had a list of five items. And, for some reason still unbeknownst to me, I did my shopping in reverse today - starting in the deli and working my way around to the produce section. And once I realized that I was breaking every norm that had been beaten into me for as long as I can remember.

And while contemplating this fact, trying to come to grips with it in my narrow world view, I realized that I've been swimming upstream for the last couple of months. I always shop the current grocery store of choice in reverse. And I don't know why. I'm not sure what that means yet, but I'm intensely curious to know if I will move back to the produce-first method of my youth next time I go shopping.

This is what my life has come to, I'm having moral dilemmas about how I do my grocery shopping.

Mmmmmm....... Bacon......

I challenge any non-vegetarians out there to concentrate on anything other than the smell of bacon when there is bacon cooking in your house. That I can focus long enough to type this entry is astounding.

Sideways

Sweetie and I went to see Sideways Friday night. Yeah, we're a little slow at making it out to movies. Winter does that to our schedules.

Sales of Pinot Noir have increased dramatically since the release of the movie. If anything, the movie made me a more steadfast beer snob.

First, these people are not living the happiest of lives. I don't want to emulate them.

Second, as beautiful as the main character and his love interest's descriptions are of Pinot Noir, that part of the film was a little too reminscent of college days I'm not necessarily interested in revisiting. Being at the party, talking to the boy, having these DEEP conversations about the meaning of life that you can only have if you're a bit tipsy or moreso. And then that moment - will we kiss, or will the moment pass? GAH! Give me a microbrew and my sweetie any day of the week.

That said, I thought it was a wonderful movie. You know it's a good movie when you're COMPELLED to talk about it. During dinner afterwards Sweetie and I kept drifting away to other topics, but then would keep coming back to the movie.

Pragmatic Memory

One of the features of my mighty Zeb the Zubaru is a little note on the dials that points to the side of the car on which the fuel door resides. Which comes in very handy indeed your first few trips to the gas station, as you're still trying to remember if the gas tank really IS on that side of the car, or if you're projecting your memories of Yoshi the Yuppiemobile onto the darling Zeb.

Except I've had the car for 15 months now, and still have to look at the arrow every time I drive into a gas station. There might have been a couple of almost-accidents as I delayed pulling into the gas station to make sure I pulled in on the correct side of the pump.

This has been troubling me because a) I never had issues knowing which side Yoshi's gas tank was on (or any of my previous cars for that matter) and b) I've often been accused of having a good memory.

On contemplation I believe the accusers have been people whose names I have remembered in situations where others would not remember their name. I will admit that this is a gift of mine. It came in very handy at my immediate post-college job where we would have students study with us for a period of a few months - some would come in daily, and of course you remember their names, but some would come in only a few times, and I'd know their names too. That made for some good word of mouth.

Because now I openly project my crappy memory to my co-workers. We can have a conversation, while I am sitting at my desk, of the three tasks that I am supposed to do immediately after the conversation is over. But if you don't go back to your desk and send me an e-mail putting those three tasks in writing you may be waiting a very long time for those three tasks to happen.

So I've decided that I have pragmatic memory. It serves me well to remember people's names. When I have to I can remember what side of the car my gas tank is on, but if I've got a little reminder note why bother. And I prefer to get my to-do lists in writing because then there's much less likely to be a miscommunication.

Which is all well and good, but doesn't account for my memory for completely trivial facts like pop-culture trivia for pop culture I've never experienced. And the street address of the house I lived in from the ages of 4-7 (116 Mt. Whitney Way). So let's just conveniently forget this part of the equation, and I'll just dazzle you next time we meet with my ability to remember your name.

The Amazing Race 7: Episode 2

This season of the race truly is amazing. In the past I have lamented the fact that the producers force suspense at the end of the episode when it's brutally honest who will be the final team to arrive. This season we're two for two with LEGITIMATELY suspenseful endings. Last week the two teams were running to the pit stop at the same time. Granted, it was a former POW and a beauty queen vs. two fat guys, but it was still close. This time it wasn't QUITE as close, given that we had a former college athlete and his brother vs. the silicone Farah Fawcett girls, but the fact that it came down to a foot race added an element of suspense. I like it better when there's a close ending than when it's a blowout.

Although I sense next week the brothers may be the ones to go. They're currently in last place. Previews from next week show they have an issue with a flat tire on a bike. Oh yeah, and now that the girls they had the hots for are off the show their testosterone levels are going to drop significantly.

And now it's time for our lesson to future Amazing Race contestants: If you have a detour and one of the options requires you to enter a market in a 2nd or 3rd world country you want to pick the other challenge. I don't really care what that other challenge is. Finding the appropriate vendors in the market is a challenge. Finding the appropriate items from the appropriate vendor is a challenge. This week insuring you had a fish that was 3 kg appeared to be a challenge. AND the teams that went to market had to spend their valuable cash in order to get the job done. Carrying books on a dolly 8 blocks - nothing compared to the market task.

Finally, there's the money issue. In past episodes of the Amazing Race there have been minor money issues. Chip and Kim had to sweet talk a cab driver for a free or reduced fare once. And some teams have had to exchange their money to get the task done, but an exchange location was always readily available. Today the mother/son team had issues with needing to exchange their money, and every single team that chose the marketing task had major money issues to get the task done.

The upside to this is I think it may help get the evil Rob out of the game earlier, as he seems intent to bribe as many locals as possible to get in first place, and I relish the fact that he won't be able to afford a habit like that the rest of the way around the world.

Monday Already?

I cannot remember the last time I had a day as lazy as yesterday. Especially a day as lazy as yesterday in which alcohol wasn't involved in getting me there.

Here's how my schedule worked out yesterday:

10 am - wake up
10:30 am - eat some cinnamon toast
11 am - 5 pm - intermittent napping
5:30 pm - shower
6 pm - go out to dinner with Sweetie, since cooking would have taken too much effort
7:30 pm - sprawl on the couch and watch Sunday night TV
11:30 pm - go to bed

But now I am officially past the flu and post-flu laziness and back into the regular routine. I went to the gym today, for the first time in two weeks. I made dinner. I'm doing some laundry and put some clothes away.

Swank's back!

Open 24-ish Hours

This morning found me awake at an hour that people should not have to be awake on a Saturday morning. After about 5-6 hours of sleep. With a 1/2 hour drive in front of me and a 12 hour day with high school students on the other end of the drive. In other words, I was in desparate need of a Diet Coke.

Normally for Diet Coke needs such as this I will stop at the 7-11 that's about a mile up the road from the condo. It's on the way to the freeway and is on the side of the street that offers very easy access in and out.

However, all things being equal 7-11 is not my first choice location for fulfilling my Diet Coke needs. I much prefer the fountain Diet Coke to be found at AM/PM to that found at 7-11. Yes, it does taste different. I think it must be the mix between the syrup and the soda, because I'm quite confident in a blind taste test I could tell the difference between a Diet Coke from the two establishments.

There is an AM/PM between the condo and the freeway - on the wrong side of the street and in a location where traffic can be a major issue. But I had enough time available this morning, and it was too damn early in the morning for traffic to be an issue, so I decided to go for broke and get my Diet Coke from the AM/PM. Except the front door was locked and they were shut down. You can't bill yourself as a convenience store if you're not open at 7 am on a Saturday morning.

But in the end they all lived happily ever after - I discovered an AM/PM the next exit up on the freeway so was still able to get the Diet Coke fix this morning.

Swankette the Speech Geek

Once upon a time (a very long time ago) I was a member of my high school speech and debate team. I am also engaged to someone who was once a member of his high school speech and debate team. I actually believe it's imprinted on his genetic code, because all of his siblings were also on the speech and debate team, and plans are already being made for a speech and debate team to be created at the high school one of the nephews will attend so that he, also, can participate in his high school speech and debate team. Sweetie also coaches the speech and debate team at the high school where he teaches. So, really, we do have an argument for being one of the dorkiest couples ever on the planet.

But that is not what compels me to write this evening. My fond memories of speech team combined with my fondness for Sweetie (and wanting to see him occasionally, which is near impossible during debate season) I often offer up my services as a judge at high school debate meets. Tonight was the start of the tournament which will allow students to qualify for the national tournament.

Back in the stone ages of my high school days I spent a year doing Cross-ex debate. Had moderate success, but moved onto other events after one year because I didn't like how I was going to be partnered up if I choose to continue. Because Sweetie doesn't offer Cross-ex at his school I have never been asked to judge cross-ex, which is no skin off my back because due to the evolution of the event it didn't seem much fun to judge anyhow. Nowadays it's all about how fast you can talk and finding the "killer card" or piece of evidence so amazing it blows the other team out of the water. There was some of that going on back in my day, but we also took a little bit of time to actually DEBATE, which seems nonexistent nowadays.

But tonight they were desperate. There are a series of rules involved in the national qualifying tournament to insure that teams get "clean" judges - you can't judge a team from your own school, you often can't judge a team you've judged earlier that day, and as the competition winnows itself down they have three judges in each round to guarantee that you get your fair shake. You see where this is going, don't you? They were so desperate for judges, and Sweetie mentioned that I had once participated in the event, so they sucked me into judging a round. It was a triple-judged round, so my vote was not enough for you to win - worst case it was a tiebreaker if the other two judges disagreed.

And so I judged. The other two judges had laptops that probably had special debate note-taking software installed on it. I had a yellow legal pad and two pens. Although the students were frequently talking so fast I couldn't take any notes because hell if I knew what they were saying anyway. But the further we got into the round the more I felt justified in being there. This was my way of passing on the memories from my high school debating career on to some other high school kid. Because despite what these kids may think now, in 2022 it will be more about the memories then whether or not they won this specific round.

All the rounds of debate I did that one year in high school have been distilled down to three distinct memories that stay with me to this day:

Memory #1: The first major tournament we attended my partner and I actually made it to finals. We were running a horrible case, but because it was novice division the other teams weren't able to adequately debate how horrible our case was and we were actually able to win rounds. Except we knew the case was horrible - at a previous, lesser, tournament a power house judge (who, incidentally, was a graduate of our high school) spoke to us after the other team left the room and said, "That's a horrible case. I've told your Senior team what a horrible case that is. The other team you were debating was more horrible than that case, so you won the round, but if I ever hear that case again you will lose the round." Going into finals the risk was too great, we couldn't run the crappy case, so we had to learn a new case. In an hour. Five of us spent an hour locked in a music practice room at the college we were at, with the senior members of the team drilling the case into my partner's and my heads. There were Funyuns involved. My partner was absorbing it better than I was, so it was deemed that I would read the first speech and he would give the response speech. We walked into finals, and said judge was there. Thank GOD we didn't have to run the crappy case! The other team was prepared for the crappy case, so when we started talking about Cuba instead of about education they were floored. After I read the first speech the cross-examination took place. I was asked a question that, as a debater in finals at a major tournament I was required to know the answer to. But I didn't. I responded, "My partner will cover that in his speech." And yet, despite my not having a clue, we won the round. I still have a copy of the ballot that said judge completed. We were competing against a team whose mascot was the Pirates, and there is a drawing of a pirate ship being blown out of the water.

Memory #2: We came across a team from Roseburg High School at several different meets. Every time we faced them we were always on the affirmative and they were on the negative (dumb luck). And every time we faced them it came down to the same basic argument - they were offering a different definition of the word "in" than we were, and depending on whose definition you took would determine how the round went. And every damn time it went their way. After each tournament we would prepare new arguments to counter them, they definitely caused us to raise our game to another level, but damn if that kid didn't know how to define the word "in."

Memory #3: Back in my day there was a rule that you could request a copy of your opponenets case to allow you the opportunity to double-check evidence they had presented. The opponents had to oblige, and had to provide you with a copy of the case identical to the copy they read. We used to joke that we would memorize our case and print it in symbol font to screw over any teams that asked. Nowadays kids just hand their case to the other team as they finish reading each page. Or the opponents will reach up if you've set a page on the table and take it if it has something they want. But that wasn't the rule back in the day. You had to ask. And once my teammate and I did ask. There was a piece of evidence in the case that was completely specious and by looking at it we were able to obliterate our opponents arguments. But the judge gave the round to the other team, comenting that debate is an ORAL activity and it was completely inappropriate for us to ask for a copy of their case. Any loss hurt, but if we had won that round, OR scored 4 more speaker points (out of a possible 60 points combined) we would have broken into the octofinals and continued on in the tournament. We followed the rules, but the judge didn't like it and therefore we lost.

What do these memories have to do with anything? Well, this is what remains of my high school debate experience. Yeah, it was nice that we won at the one tournament, yeah, we did OK at some other tournaments, but these are what linger. These are the stories I can share with people when we're reminiscing about the past. These are when I started to learn that life isn't always fair, that you have to take the chips as they lie, and that sometimes it can come down to something as stupid as the definition of the word "in."

As I was entering the debate room tonight I was thinking I owed the students an apology for being forced into a situation with a clearly inept judge. But now I think they should thank me, because even if they don't make it to the national tournament, I'm giving them good fodder for stories for years to come. And maybe, just maybe, in 2022 one of them will find themselves judging a debate tournament and the event will have turned into something completely different, and then they'll finally know what it's like to walk a mile in Swankette's shoes.

The Amazing Race 7: Episode 1

Oddly, my overwhelming emotion after watching the first episode of The Amazing Race 7 is nostalgia. Specifically, for Team Cha Cha Cha from Season 2. If you weren't watching the race back then, Cha Cha Cha were a couple of FABULOUS gay guys who ran the race with MAJOR attitude. Most of their strategizing and airplane booking took place at the concierge desks of 5 star hotels. The squealed with glee when one of the concierges made arrangements for a Mercedes Town Car to drive them to the airport rather than a pedestrian taxicab. And when they had time to kill before leaving Hong Kong rather than just chilling at the airport they went SHOPPING! Eventually they came in fourth that season, but they ran the race with more style than any other team before or since.

Part of the reason that I am nostalgic for Cha Cha Cha is that the gay guy team of this episode (Lynn and Alex) STRIVE to be Cha Cha Cha, but fail oh so miserably. They annoy me. And given that no team has really started to piss me off yet (well, other than the damn Survivors), annoying is enough for me to root against you. Amazingly, they were not the sacrificial lambs that Sweetie and I suspected they would be.

Ryan and Chuck were the sacrificial lambs. Which saddens me, because they could have easily become the next team Cha Cha Cha in my book. With awesome one-liners like, "Drive it like you stole it" and playing the dumb southern card they could have gotten far were it not for a few minor miscalculations. The thing I will miss the most is their unique taxicab strategy that I have already named the "beep beep" strategy. Rather than just repeating "Fast, fast, fast, race, race, race" in the local language the friends would encourage the driver to "beep, beep, beep" as in "Honk your horn continuously to help us get ahead." It was also their strategy while driving. And dang if it didn't work at least part of the time! Alas, we shall see the beep beep no more this season.

Although it was either them or my team this time around, and I couldn't bear to have my team be eliminated first. I have hopes that they will wise up and do better from here out.

In addition to the standard excitement of the race this season we've got something else to be on the lookout for. I think that Debbie and Bianca (Sweetie's team) may be closet lesbians. They continually call each other baby, hug and kiss each other, and one was kissing on the fingertips of the other while riding in a cab along the way. I've got a pretty close relationship with some of my girlfriends, and if I were to go on the race with one of them I know we'd be super close, but I can not see myself calling them baby and kissing on them constantly. So now we'll be on the lookout to see if I was hallucinating, or there really is something there.

Finally, major style points to Patrick, the gay son. He's aligning himself with Rob so that he can be personally responsible for Rob's downfall. There's a lot of deviousness this go around. In the introductions many teams mentioned they had underhanded tactics planned, and there's already been at least one episode of blatant lying to put another team behind.

Stay tuned for another exciting season, kids. It's going to be a wild ride!

Good Morning!

For the record:

- I am OK with the fact that our entire condo complex needs to be re-sided since the idiots who put the most recent siding on didn't bother to take the old siding off.

- I'd prefer it were free, but I've come to terms with the fact that Sweetie and I will be putting a large sum of money toward this residing. We've decided that we will see an even larger increase in the value of the condominium, so it all works out in the end.

- All things considered I didn't have huge problems with the fact that Step 1 of the process (rip off all the old siding, down to the insulation) coincided with the flu. The pounding was annoying, but with a 101.9 fever you can sleep through darn about anything.

- I didn't mind the worker leaving the Nordic Track in the middle of the front hallway yesterday, requiring us to climb over it anytime we wished to enter the living room, dining room or kitchen.

See, I'm a pretty easy-going person, taking it all in stride. But here's the part I don't accept:

Step 2 of the process seems to involve going to each window in the condo, ripping it out, removing the windowsill, then replacing the window. I'm sure there's more at work than that, and that's not my complaint. My complaint is that there are several windows in the condos. Many of them are not in bedrooms. The workers are here from 7:30 am to 4:30 pm every day. With just a TEENY TINY bit of planning it would not be necessary for them to rip my bedroom window out at 8:05 am - also known as the precise time I am usually standing in the middle of the bedroom getting dressed.

Thankfully, at about 8:04 am I realized that the noise wasn't just pounding but was them about to rip the window out and had actually taken the time to lay my clothes out before getting dressed this morning. That meant I was able to grab my clothes and leap into the bathroom in the nick of time.